We get to play in our bodies for a while, but this is not You

As I readied myself this morning, I became awestruck looking into my eyes.
Not in my usual way* this was different.
It felt as if my soul was witnessing my body and falling in love...

As I looked into my eyes, I noticed something I haven't before. 
My body is a tool, a toy for my soul to play with. 
It was as if my soul wanted to pick up my body and hold her and tumble her around and squeeze her (gently, of course). My eyes began to wander to other parts of my body as well. My collarbones, my hips, my toes. As I stood there wiggling them, I started to notice other things that were special too: My emotions.

Just as my body might be a toy for my soul to play with, so too are my feelings.
This has never been more obvious to me than right now as I'm being flooded with a plethora of them.

Recently, my husband of 16 years asked for a divorce. 
It was surprising and quite shocking**.
After a few days of experiencing the shock, I moved into some new emotions that I wasn't expecting.
I began to allow feelings of TRUTH and excitement and unfulfilled yearning to enter my being.

A few weeks after the divorce was announced, I was asked on a date.
All of the cultural messages popped into my head - Is this too soon? What will people think? etc. etc.
But then I stopped and felt inside of myself: How does the idea of this date feel? 
And I noticed the thought of going on a date with this person at this time feels good. 
My heart said Yes, and so I said, "Yes!"

For our date, we decided to get out in nature and go paddleboarding.
He took me to a secluded, mountainous lake.
Everything was lovely.
We arrived near sunset and dropped our boards in the clearest, most crystalline water I've ever seen.
A storm had recently passed, so the clouds were drifting eastward.
The sky above us was clear.
The sun was beginning to set westward, casting pastel pink sprouts of color into the sky.
The moon was just beginning to rise, but its illumination was dull yet because the stormclouds were shrouding its brilliance.
The moon took it's time as it slowly brightened.
Very slowly.

We did fun things and experienced beauty everywhere.
Across the lake, there stands a lone Ponderosa Pine tree.
We drifted toward the tree and made the short walk to it.
I showed my date how to sniff the crevices of that tree to smell it's warm, vanilla, bourbon scent.
Entering the lake again, as we drifted toward the middle, a cast of Peregrine Falcons began to sway overhead.
They began diving into the water and coming up carrying fish.
These birds were all around us.
The entire experience felt magical. The mountains, the tree, the lake, the birds, the sky, the moon, my date, me.

I paused for a moment in the middle of that secluded mountain lake and witnessed everything that was taking place.
I was with a gentle soul, in the midst of beauty and life.
My entire world was at peace.

The following morning, as I thought back to the beauty, all of my emotions came to a head.
The sadness (over the loss of my marriage),
the loneliness (that I felt in my empty home),
the joy (from the prior evening),
the excitement (over the magic of my date),
the curiosity (about what is to come next in my life),
the magic (every moment I'm aware, I can find something magical).

All of these feelings flooded me at the same time and I noticed something else:
This is what I'm here to do.
I'm here to feel all of these things.
My soul wants to experience it all!
She doesn't want to sit stagnantly and live a life of simplicity.
She wants to feel ev-er-y-thing.

It's like this:
The universe is providing my life with a plethora of situations that are causing a million emotions all at once. As if to say, "Here Brookie! Feel this! Oh and this too! Oh, and while we're at it, I'll give you this emotion, also!"

And my mind is saying, "One emotion at a time! Pa-hlease!" As if swatting at mosquitoes, "I can handle only one. of. you. at. a time." (slap, swat, slap)

And my soul is saying, "Nah, you've got this! Let's PLAY!"

As I sit here staring into my eyes, noticing my body is my soul's toy, I come upon an acceptance I haven't felt before. I accept the journey for what it is because I want to gift my soul with whatever experience it is she has come here to have.

I want to allow her to feel all the emotions, all the sights that our eyes are able to see that maybe a soul isn't able to without our bodies; I want to do the things with my body that a soul cannot. Touch, and emotions, and sights, and scents. All of it. I want to find joy in the entire journey. Not just the fun parts or the ones I have labeled as "good".

The hearty choice that I noticed this morning watching my body from my soul's awareness, is to allow life to bring me what I need. It's as if the universe is providing my soul with moments of magic alongside opportunities for growth, and I have finally caught up and accepted the entirety of the process.

And I am in love with it all.
So is my soul.

*6/17/19: The Moment I fell in Love With Myself
**7/22/19: The Silent Observer